I'm always exhausted.
I'm not as bad as I could've been. I snuck in a little nap with "X" laying on top of me watching Monster's Inc.
The kitchen's a mess, the floor needs vaccumed and there are toys everywhere. Today I don't feel productive but I feel like a good Mom.
Sometimes, I get down because there are things that I WANT to do and I don't get the chance to do them. Today, I didn't do much because I couldn't decide what to do. The clock was ticking away and somehow moving faster because it knew I only had a limited time before I had to go pick up someone from school.
I travel to the school 4 times a day, my two daugthers are on completely different schedules. I'm almost getting the hang of it. By the time I get the hang of it, the kids will be out of school and then we will be on a whole other schedule!
Pause. "Z" is up.
Okay. I'm, back. It's an hour and a half later and all of the kids are in bed. Ahhhhh. That's a good "ah" by the way.
So back to my epiphany. I was writing in my journal the other day and as I wrote, some things became clearer to me.
I've noticed that I am an "all or nothing" girl. I think black and white. Not good.
I look at other people's photography blogs and how they have established themselves with clients and how beautiful their websites are and I get jealous. I want that. I get depressed that I am not as good as them and I will never be. I want to be more professional but don't know how to do it with four kids. I know I can't be doing photo sessions all of the time and don't know how to do it some of the time, so therefore, I don't do it much at all.
I've noticed how when I am all consumed with myself and the things I want to do, my kids get left behind. My kids need their Mom. They need her to be "present" in their lives. Not just their physically but mentally. They need their Mom to be engaged in their lives.
"X" is very good at helping me stop what I am doing and focus on him. Take for instance the other day. I was typing on the computer and he wanted me to read a book and I said, "Just a few minutes." He soon found his way onto my lap and popped open the book on the keyboard.
I had to stop. He was too cute. And too right.
This is where I am needed right now.
The things that I WANT will have to wait. Not forever. Just until I can figure out how to do a little. Life is all about balance. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. I can still do the things that I want, just not on the enormous scale that I imagine it to be.
And I need to be happy and satisfied doing a "little" because right now, I should be doing "a lot" for my kids.
They are not always going to need me and depend on me.
They are not going to stay small forever.
I tell myself, "Self. . .Enjoy it. Love it. Find a balance."
And I will. It may take me a lifetime, but I'll give it a try.